Dimensional Lighting or, where does the light go when you flick the switch off?Lighting in a storage facility is, as I am sure you will understand, extremely important. Which was why, when I was approached by the Instantaneous Dimensional Lighting Corporation of North Dakota with the offer that they would undertake a free review of the Admiral Storage Facility’s lighting, I accepted. A young man of studious appearance carrying a clipboard and various items of high technology greeted me warmly enough and then began to cast his eyes thither and yon as experts do, in order to show that they are indeed experts. After much a-to-ing and a-fro-ing, mixed with some sucking through the teeth and nodding of the head, the young man said that I had a problem. It was not, he said, so much a problem of the volume of light, but rather a problem appertaining to the type of light. I was about to inform him that the notion that light actually had a volume was new to me, but he brushed past me gazing once more into the eves and beyond, before telling me in no uncertain terms that what we needed was 3D Radiance Augmentation. “The light,” he told me, “is there, but is dissipated making it seem as if one can see but one can’t. People looking into their boxes in order to find a document or other item stored with you, find that they can see what they are looking at, but feel that they cannot. It is a common problem; I expect they mention it.” I was about to suggest that it was hardly a common problem as far as Admiral was concerned since I had never had anyone mention the issue when he continued. “You probably haven’t had anyone mention the issue,” he announced, “but that is because people suffering from a lack of 3D Light Augmentation become confused, and none of us like to admit that we are confused.” I was about to say that I was indeed thoroughly bemused at this moment but the young man continued once more. “Indeed you are probably feeling bemused at this moment,” he told me, “but there is no need, for I can explain. 3D Radiance Augmentation optically splits the light that you have here into three dimensions, in order to enhance its visual impactiveness.” I looked bemused. “You look bemused,” he said. Eventually I plucked up the nerve to continue the conversation. “What are these three dimensions?” I asked him. “The first, second and third dimensions,” he said without hesitation. “You mean like width, length and height?” I queried. “I think you will find that this is the sort of 20th century thinking that is holding this business back,” he replied. “Your customers are pretty much 21st century I’d hazard, and if they see you still trapped – visually that is – in a previous era, they will leave, you can trust me on that. “Now the Instantaneous Dimensional Lighting Corporation of North Dakota has the exclusive rights to the Vienna Mean Light Standard which acts as a proxy for the measurement of all light between Dover and the Orkneys. It is isotopically balanced against the Standard Light Arctic Polarisation.” “You mean SLAP?” I asked. He gave me a curious look but would not be put off. “All our light is sustainably sourced,” he said, “using hand selected luminance originations. I can offer you stone veneered light or origami ventura.” “What you are telling me is that you have a light source which works in three dimensions and which helps people see what they are holding in their hands.” He chucked. “Yes that is a common misconception. I am afraid it is far more complicated than that.” “But it does work in three dimensions?” I asked and he nodded. “So it isn’t on for very long,” I then suggested, “not being temporally stabilized in the unidirectional mode?” He looked at me quizzically. “Time,” I said. “Your light doesn’t operate over time? It doesn’t stay on when you ignite it.” “Of course it stays on,” he said. “That’s what I thought,” I replied, and there we both decided we should leave it. Meanwhile I can assure you that as and when you wish to place, inspect or remove any documentation in the Admiral Storage Facility, we shall always ensure that we turn the lights on. Sometimes those little photons even travel around corners. Admiral Document Storage Email: info@archive-document-storage.co.uk www.archive-document-storage.co.uk
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